I'd like to thank Apple for giving me yet another method of procrastination. It's kind of related to Number Four...
When my shiny new iMac was delivered about 4 years ago, I was very disapointed to discover that it had an optical mouse. You cannot underestimate the hours of joy I have had scraping the petina of dead skin and general desk based crap from the 3 separate rollers inside my old mouse. But that one was black, and now my desk in Space Oddesy-esque white, so the new old one had to go. However, this morning I noticed - and I can't believe it's taken me so long - that Apple didn't reduce the opportunities for cleaning when they delivered my new Mac, but increased them 10,000* fold. Oh yes. Gone are the days of having only 3 elements to clean, but instead I have around 100 keys collecting dust, crumbs and any general detritius that comes within a two mile distance of my workspace. I've spent quite a while perfecting my cotton bud swabbing technique too, using a variety of fluids to determine which is the most effective. Bliss.
And only the other week, my housemate suggested that I might want to change my room around to create a better working environment. Rails were errected, cabinets painted, boxes moved, and at the end of a long and tiring day I am still sat staring at the same metre wide desk, barely aware that I sit in a room at all let alone a house, street or city. Ah well, at least the panic factor has now set in...
*okay, evidently this isn't mathematically correct, but you get the gist
02 May 2006
Number Twelve: Get ill
If unable to contract anything significant from friends/colleagues etc (possibly as you don't come into contact with many people over the course of the day) then eat something stupid. Blowfish isn't in especially abundant supply in Portsmouth, but I'm sure some can be acquired if resorting (as ever) to Number Two.
Particular aspects to aim for are the necessity to spend lots of time in either the bedroom or the bathroom (although preferably the former, obviously), requirement of rare medication to be bought either from far away or via our old friend the internet, aversion to reading (bonus points), and development of complex symptoms leading to doctors appointments and blood tests (or anything else which requires repeat attendance and waiting for results).
Just remember to allow time to recover about a week before your deadline.
Particular aspects to aim for are the necessity to spend lots of time in either the bedroom or the bathroom (although preferably the former, obviously), requirement of rare medication to be bought either from far away or via our old friend the internet, aversion to reading (bonus points), and development of complex symptoms leading to doctors appointments and blood tests (or anything else which requires repeat attendance and waiting for results).
Just remember to allow time to recover about a week before your deadline.
Number Eleven: Catch a rat
Not sure how you could orchestrate this yourself, but it actually happened to me. And it's fairly ironic given what I was talking about in Number Four...
One evening, whilst I was actually motivated and in full flow, my housemate stood at the bottom of our stairs and screamed the kind of blood curdling, catroonishly long scream only ever emitted by women in no perceivable danger. The previous week we - or more to the point, she - had discovered that mice had managed to invade our kitchen cupboard and much their way through our newly acquired supply of "healthy food" (Rivita, oat cakes, couscous, Weetabix - the last one was my token effort) and so we had invested the weight of our hard earned financial debt in Europe's supply of tupperware boxes. Ha. No more expensive munchies for you my little rodent friends. But being the inquisitive and persistent little blighters that they are, they went on the look out for food elsewhere. Which is what led to the accoustic bombardment of my eardrums, rodent vs. architect stand off and ensuing (and elaborate) chase around the house. I'm 5'8" ish, this thing was no more than 1 1/2" (although my housemate swears it was more like 8", which means I don't hold out much hope for her boyfriend...) but still the little bugger won. We tried cornering, trapping and at one time even hammering (although I couldn't bring myself to do it) him. So we decamped to the local curry house for food - given that we had none left ourselves - and bravery-instilling booze. The next day traps were ordered and set, and after hours of research by myself, naturally, a sonic erradicator was installed. And life returned to normal.
Until a week later.
When in full flow again following the interruption a few days before, the gnawing sound returned and I - stomping down the stairs to confront my old adversary - was confronted with his significantly larger cousin. The only retaliation was to sit on the stairs, call housemate's boyfriend to stand guard and pass the phone from the other side of the kitchen, research pest control (for which Lee from Contract Killers came as my knight in shining rentakil uniform) and to move out to housemate's boyfriend's house for a week. I don't know why I like mice and am severely bothered by rats, I just am.
All in all at least 4 hours chasing mouse, 2 hours researching traps, 2 hours in curry house, 1 1/2 hours recovering from copious, complex and gratuitous consumption of bravery-instilling booze, 1 hour spent shaking on stairs, 1 hour waiting for rock and roll pest control, 1 week in housemate's boyfriend's house. Not a bad thesis/avoidance tactic ratio, I think you'll agree.
One evening, whilst I was actually motivated and in full flow, my housemate stood at the bottom of our stairs and screamed the kind of blood curdling, catroonishly long scream only ever emitted by women in no perceivable danger. The previous week we - or more to the point, she - had discovered that mice had managed to invade our kitchen cupboard and much their way through our newly acquired supply of "healthy food" (Rivita, oat cakes, couscous, Weetabix - the last one was my token effort) and so we had invested the weight of our hard earned financial debt in Europe's supply of tupperware boxes. Ha. No more expensive munchies for you my little rodent friends. But being the inquisitive and persistent little blighters that they are, they went on the look out for food elsewhere. Which is what led to the accoustic bombardment of my eardrums, rodent vs. architect stand off and ensuing (and elaborate) chase around the house. I'm 5'8" ish, this thing was no more than 1 1/2" (although my housemate swears it was more like 8", which means I don't hold out much hope for her boyfriend...) but still the little bugger won. We tried cornering, trapping and at one time even hammering (although I couldn't bring myself to do it) him. So we decamped to the local curry house for food - given that we had none left ourselves - and bravery-instilling booze. The next day traps were ordered and set, and after hours of research by myself, naturally, a sonic erradicator was installed. And life returned to normal.
Until a week later.
When in full flow again following the interruption a few days before, the gnawing sound returned and I - stomping down the stairs to confront my old adversary - was confronted with his significantly larger cousin. The only retaliation was to sit on the stairs, call housemate's boyfriend to stand guard and pass the phone from the other side of the kitchen, research pest control (for which Lee from Contract Killers came as my knight in shining rentakil uniform) and to move out to housemate's boyfriend's house for a week. I don't know why I like mice and am severely bothered by rats, I just am.
All in all at least 4 hours chasing mouse, 2 hours researching traps, 2 hours in curry house, 1 1/2 hours recovering from copious, complex and gratuitous consumption of bravery-instilling booze, 1 hour spent shaking on stairs, 1 hour waiting for rock and roll pest control, 1 week in housemate's boyfriend's house. Not a bad thesis/avoidance tactic ratio, I think you'll agree.
Number Ten: Train for a Marathon
I can't believe I'm on number ten. My housemate can hear the click-clickity-click of keys and keeps telling everyone how hard I'm working into the night, tells me she has every faith in me and provides me with endless cups of tea so I don't have to interrupt my working. So now not only do I get work avoidance guilt, I get typing deceit guilt too. Oops. I am a bad, bad person.
Doesn't last long though - back to the case in hand (which is partly her fault anyway!)
Training for a marathon can help out in many ways. It can negate Number Seven (as if you ever chance to leave the confines of your room, your newly svelte figure combined with your radiation tan from months in front of the compuer screen is sure to attract a real, three dimensional person. If only you had time to see them...), and if you're doing it for charity then you've got the added responsibility to not let either your friends who have sponsored you nor the poor disadvantaged (insert beneficiaries of chosen charity here) down. You can even add on optional extras of shopping for appropriate sports gear, searching for training tips or - "two birds with one stone" time here - talk to people on forums about your progress.
I'm only running about 10k every other day, and it takes at least 2 hours out of my day once I've changed, stretched, ran, showered, cooled down, recovered, eaten, had a little nap to recuperate. I'm just too damn lazy to run the 26 miles.
Doesn't last long though - back to the case in hand (which is partly her fault anyway!)
Training for a marathon can help out in many ways. It can negate Number Seven (as if you ever chance to leave the confines of your room, your newly svelte figure combined with your radiation tan from months in front of the compuer screen is sure to attract a real, three dimensional person. If only you had time to see them...), and if you're doing it for charity then you've got the added responsibility to not let either your friends who have sponsored you nor the poor disadvantaged (insert beneficiaries of chosen charity here) down. You can even add on optional extras of shopping for appropriate sports gear, searching for training tips or - "two birds with one stone" time here - talk to people on forums about your progress.
I'm only running about 10k every other day, and it takes at least 2 hours out of my day once I've changed, stretched, ran, showered, cooled down, recovered, eaten, had a little nap to recuperate. I'm just too damn lazy to run the 26 miles.
Number Nine: Wallow
One of life's ultimate brain "screen savers" - random and irrelevant depression creeps up on you when you're not out enjoying yourself (as you won't be otherwise "YOU"LL NEVER GRADUATE" as the little elves in your head always scream. Maybe that's just me)
Sitting in the bath, having woken up full of enthusiasm and with all intention of getting straight back into whatever it was you were putting off yesterday, one little thought creeps into your head. It could even be something happy at first - some great day out, when you were having a fantastic time, and you were talking to that guy who you had such fun with, who you went out with a couple of times before HE RIPPED YOUR HEART OUT AND SQUASHED IT INTO LITTLE TINY PULPY PIECES.... Oh what's the point. Surely a cup of tea would help. And maybe some of those chocolate biscuits from the shop about 20 minutes walk away. Or - if the sun is over the yard arm - just a wee snifter of something a little stronger.
It's a slippery slope. Surely it's safer just to go back to bed?
Sitting in the bath, having woken up full of enthusiasm and with all intention of getting straight back into whatever it was you were putting off yesterday, one little thought creeps into your head. It could even be something happy at first - some great day out, when you were having a fantastic time, and you were talking to that guy who you had such fun with, who you went out with a couple of times before HE RIPPED YOUR HEART OUT AND SQUASHED IT INTO LITTLE TINY PULPY PIECES.... Oh what's the point. Surely a cup of tea would help. And maybe some of those chocolate biscuits from the shop about 20 minutes walk away. Or - if the sun is over the yard arm - just a wee snifter of something a little stronger.
It's a slippery slope. Surely it's safer just to go back to bed?
Number Eight: Follow the Amazon Trail
"People who bought this book also liked..."
"Related items to those on your wishlist..."
"Buy this book and get this one for (completely combined price with absolutely no saving whatsoever)"
You've got to love it. You innocently and work consciously enter the site with the title of one book in mind, when Amazon's cyber literature pimps recognise the smell of an addict and take you on down a meandering path of books which seem to lead you closer to "the answer" that you're looking for.
Several hours later you realise it's dark, your eyes hurt and you've spent a small fortune on a mountain of seemingly irrelevant books on jazz music, country houses, knickers and language reports, with the promise that these are guaranteed to improve your life/knowledge/thesis to previously unimaginable proportions. Until they turn up and you find that the seven lines of blurb on the site are the only seven relevant to what you were looking for (if that).
The double whammy of this complete fallacy is that you'll never have time to read them anyway.
"Related items to those on your wishlist..."
"Buy this book and get this one for (completely combined price with absolutely no saving whatsoever)"
You've got to love it. You innocently and work consciously enter the site with the title of one book in mind, when Amazon's cyber literature pimps recognise the smell of an addict and take you on down a meandering path of books which seem to lead you closer to "the answer" that you're looking for.
Several hours later you realise it's dark, your eyes hurt and you've spent a small fortune on a mountain of seemingly irrelevant books on jazz music, country houses, knickers and language reports, with the promise that these are guaranteed to improve your life/knowledge/thesis to previously unimaginable proportions. Until they turn up and you find that the seven lines of blurb on the site are the only seven relevant to what you were looking for (if that).
The double whammy of this complete fallacy is that you'll never have time to read them anyway.
Number Seven: internet dating
Related to number six - whilst you realise that you can't spend your life alone, you simply don't have time to go and find Mr/Miss Right in reality. Think of all that valuable procrastination time you'd have to spend in the pub/bar/cafe/park. Surely it's far simpler to stay in, compose, edit and recompose an ad, fauxtoshop your picture until you look less drunk/red/big nosed (or whatever your personal paranoia is) and then search through the endless lists of people who
1) you're not interested in, or
2) who you can add to your "favourites" only to have them ignore your expensive, laborious and protractedly composed attempts at seduction.
Not that I'm bitter or owt.
For those of you proficient in advanced thesis avoidance, find a friend of the opposite sex/alternative sexual persuasion for whom you can look for matches in a caring and sharing kind of way. This at least doubles your number of profiles to peruse.
1) you're not interested in, or
2) who you can add to your "favourites" only to have them ignore your expensive, laborious and protractedly composed attempts at seduction.
Not that I'm bitter or owt.
For those of you proficient in advanced thesis avoidance, find a friend of the opposite sex/alternative sexual persuasion for whom you can look for matches in a caring and sharing kind of way. This at least doubles your number of profiles to peruse.
Number Six: forums
Given that leaving your house for anything more than getting a pint of milk gives you guilt trips, the internet provides the last remaining gossamer thread of interaction with the outside world. And afterall, you're typing, which is related to work, isn't it? Keep hitting "refresh" just in case you miss that witty comment someone has just published. The beauty of this is that you will NEVER run out of forums to join - the internet is full of people dying to regurgitate their fermenting ruminations at someone else. As this blog proves...
Number Five: Learn Esperanto!
...or something equally random in the name of "research". I've also managed to wangle in reading Alice in Wonderland, watching Monty Python and researching a potted history of sporks into my thesis. I'm just hoping the assessment board have a sense of humour...
03 April 2006
Number Four: Cleaning
Washing up!
The beauty of this is that you can let it mount up whilst you're "busy" working towards that deadline. The critical point - running out of cutlery (even if it's just a fork for a hurriedly made pot noodle), realising that you can't reuse your coffee mug AGAIN without contracting some horrid stomach bug or the remnants of the last 72 coffee dregs sliding down your gullet, or finding an infestation of mice a la Withnail and I - will always come the night before your hand in when you're desperately trying to make up for all the time you've wasted on work avoidance tactics numbers one, two and three (so far). But then, it really has to be done. Your mother would be so proud.
The beauty of this is that you can let it mount up whilst you're "busy" working towards that deadline. The critical point - running out of cutlery (even if it's just a fork for a hurriedly made pot noodle), realising that you can't reuse your coffee mug AGAIN without contracting some horrid stomach bug or the remnants of the last 72 coffee dregs sliding down your gullet, or finding an infestation of mice a la Withnail and I - will always come the night before your hand in when you're desperately trying to make up for all the time you've wasted on work avoidance tactics numbers one, two and three (so far). But then, it really has to be done. Your mother would be so proud.
Number Three: Food
You've got to love cooking. It's nature's law, you have to eat! So there's always going to be cooking. Rustling up three courses from scratch the night before a hand-in has to be my paricularly extravagant achievement though.
And of course cooking leads us on to...
And of course cooking leads us on to...
Number Two: Ebay
The epitome of student time wasting - it is your mistress, and no matter what time of day or night, you will obey!
The catch-22 of the situation is that I use it to save money as I have so little. But then it's wasting time of which I have even less.
The catch-22 of the situation is that I use it to save money as I have so little. But then it's wasting time of which I have even less.
Number One: The Blog
This is quite obviously the ultimate work avoidance tactic. It's the final line that's standing between me and finishing my thesis, and it's only stopping me because I (under no other duress) have just signed up to it, as I am
1) dangerously close to having to face my personal demons (AKA my tutor) and hand the tome in for criticism, and
2) I'm getting quite bored of all the other work avoidance tactics.
You may find them useful, as I have.
1) dangerously close to having to face my personal demons (AKA my tutor) and hand the tome in for criticism, and
2) I'm getting quite bored of all the other work avoidance tactics.
You may find them useful, as I have.
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